Thursday, April 27, 2017

Scream

Tears run down my face 
As I scream 
To what I cannot see.
I was hoping for an answer 
That’s still not to be.
I'm tired of crying 
For what I cannot change
I'm tired of hoping
To be wrong again and again

Do you hear me scream 
At the top of my lungs
Do you hear me scream 
In my silence
My heart breaking
Again and again
I look to you
Trusting and waiting
But my heart is heavy
All I want is 
To be held and know 
That you are here

Did I hear you promise 
Or was it just a dream
Is it something I did 
Or something to be done
My eyes won't dry 
For the pain is deep inside
I’m trying to hold on 
In this desert
But the well is almost dry

Do you hear me scream 
At the top of my lungs
Do hear me scream
In my silence
My heart breaking
Again and again
I look to you
Trusting and waiting
But my heart is heavy

I need to know 
You’re here 
Holding these pieces together
That these tears 
Are not in vain
And courage to keep trusting
That you are here
To know, I'm not forgotten

So I look to you
Trusting and waiting 
To answer me
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For those who don't know, we have been trying to start a family for over 7 years. In the fall of 2015, I thought it finally had happened. I thought I was pregnant. I was at my family doctor's office for something unrelated and she went ahead and did the test, it was negative. I had let myself hope. I finished my appointment crying silently until I got in my car, that's when I started crying so hard I was screaming; Screaming at God, screaming at myself. I was crying and screaming so hard that I could hardly breathe. 
In the middle of all that, being totally broken, again… I cried out to God. Those desperate cries started to form into a song…

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I know it's been a long time since I posted anything, I am hoping to start post more regularly again...

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Masqurade of Porcelain



I have tried, for so long
To let only the part
I want people
to see show.
People see me and say she's got it all, and altogether.
But they don't see
the depths of my heart.
They don't hear
me cry for the things I long to be.
They don't know
the things that threaten to break me.
The depression that threatens to steal my joy.

It’s a masquerade,
I'm finding that it's not living.
I tried to be strong for everyone else,
To forget about me.
I know no one wants to hear
the real me. 
They rather see the porcelain doll,
The perfect smile, perfect life.
With everything in place.

But my heart is crying,
Do you see?
Do you see...
The one who
Sometimes
Cries herself to sleep.
The one who
Desires
True friends.
The one who
Just wants to
Find a way to be herself
longs for
others to be ok with
Me just being me.

Its a masquerade,
I'm finding that it's not living.
I tried to be strong for everyone else,
To forget about me.
I know no one wants to hear
the real me. 
They rather see the porcelain doll
The perfect smile, perfect life.
With everything in place.

Porcelain dolls are fragile
And easily broke
I'm tired of the work it takes
to keep the pieces together
to keep everything in place
It's time to stop the masquerade
And show the world the real me
Now I just have to find
who that's supposed to be

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Recently, with the help of someone, I realized that I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. I have been sifting through the reasons, this is the result. This poem has been the easiest to write, but the hardest to share.  I know there are others out there who know how I feel.  I want to share this to help encourage you and so that you may know you are not alone.  Maybe it can give you the courage to be who you are and stop pretending. 
Finding who you are in Christ is the center of that quest,  you will find who you’re supposed to be. Outside of reading the Bible, I will say the best way to begin being yourself should be the church. I am in a church that's safe to find myself...if you aren't, find a group of people who are safe and build relationships.


Saturday, May 31, 2014

My Heart Sings Freedom



Oh God, you are my strength
You are my shield.
My heart I trust with you
Yes, My heart trusts in you.
And I find myself secure
In your arms that hold me close
Your arms hold me oh so close
As you draw me to yourself

I am free! I am free!
You broke away what once held me.
I am free! I am free!
You shattered the chains that once broke me
My heart will sing, I am free!

I rest in your cloud of peace
As you hold me like a new born child
And the world stops for a moment
My heart rejoices and sings to you
With a thankful heart I sing

I am free! I am free!
You broke away what once held me.
I am free! I am free!
You shattered the chains that once broke me
My heart will sing, I am free!

Tag:
As your mercy and grace surround me
Your peace flows like a river
My heart will sing I am free


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This song was written in 2003. I wrote it after going through a rough season. Someone had given me this verse and from that, came the song.
“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.” ~Psalms 28:7

Friday, March 7, 2014

My First Love



I want to be found
Sitting at Your feet
I want to be found
gazing at Your beauty
I want to feel
Your heart beat in mine
I want to be
Closer than before

It’s so easy to be pulled away
To let time pass me by
So many times
I get so busy with my life
Suddenly I turn around to find
I’ve wondered from your presence

I want to be found
Sitting at Your feet
I want to be found
gazing at Your beauty
I want to feel
Your heart beat in mine
I want to be
Closer than before

I’ve looked in so many places
For what you said will be
for the promises
you’ve given to me
But now, I lay them down
At your feet
I’m coming back
Coming back to my first love

I want to be found
Sitting at Your feet
I want to be found
gazing at Your beauty
I want to feel
Your heart beat in mine
I want to be
Closer than before
To hear you whisper
in my ear

I wait for you
I wait for you
Let time pass me by
I’ll wait for you
I’ll wait for you
I quiet my spirit
I wait for you
I wait for you
I’m listening now
I wait for you
I wait for you
to hear from your heart
I wait for you

It’s when I’m finally quiet
You speak softly in my ear
I have been what you longed for
I am what you miss

Come, spend time with me
Sitting at my feet
I want to
Gaze at your beauty
I want you to feel
My heart beat in yours
Drawl near to me
To come close
closer than before

I wait for you
                      I wait for you
Let time pass me by
I wait for you
                      I wait for you
Quiet my spirit
I wait for you
                      I wait for you
I’m listening now
I wait for you
                      I wait for you
to hear from your heart
I wait for you
                      Wait for you
I wait for you
                      Wait for you

we wait for you
                          We wait for you
Let time pass us by
We wait for you
                          We wait for you
Quiet our spirit
We wait for you
                          We wait for you
We’re listening now
We wait for you
                          We wait for you
To hear from your heart

We wait for you
                          Wait for you
We wait for you
                          Wait for you

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There are two parts to the story behind the song. The first is this, I have always been fascinated with Mary who sat at the feet of Jesus and just soaked it all in. I've wondered, did she lose track of time? 
Did everything else fade away? 
And what does sitting at the feet of Jesus mean today? 

The other thing I found is, often times, when I am wait for God to fulfill His promises, I start getting antsy. And my heart and spirit starts to pace. 
It's like waiting for an inheritance, and forgetting to spend time with the person before he or she passes. Why? Because we are waiting for the money! 
Or like those movies where everything fades away except the couple dancing in the middle.  What we focus on is the love that we are dancing with. Do we fall in love with His promises or do we fall in love with the Promise Maker?
What I found is... when you stop pacing, bring your focus back to Jesus, and start waiting on Him, it's amazing the calm and peace that can come. 
Life can still be hard, and everything might be falling apart around you; but in that moment, when it's just you and Him (the King of Kings) dancing, nothing else matters. And for that moment you feel completely at rest.