Thursday, April 27, 2017

Scream

Tears run down my face 
As I scream 
To what I cannot see.
I was hoping for an answer 
That’s still not to be.
I'm tired of crying 
For what I cannot change
I'm tired of hoping
To be wrong again and again

Do you hear me scream 
At the top of my lungs
Do you hear me scream 
In my silence
My heart breaking
Again and again
I look to you
Trusting and waiting
But my heart is heavy
All I want is 
To be held and know 
That you are here

Did I hear you promise 
Or was it just a dream
Is it something I did 
Or something to be done
My eyes won't dry 
For the pain is deep inside
I’m trying to hold on 
In this desert
But the well is almost dry

Do you hear me scream 
At the top of my lungs
Do hear me scream
In my silence
My heart breaking
Again and again
I look to you
Trusting and waiting
But my heart is heavy

I need to know 
You’re here 
Holding these pieces together
That these tears 
Are not in vain
And courage to keep trusting
That you are here
To know, I'm not forgotten

So I look to you
Trusting and waiting 
To answer me
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For those who don't know, we have been trying to start a family for over 7 years. In the fall of 2015, I thought it finally had happened. I thought I was pregnant. I was at my family doctor's office for something unrelated and she went ahead and did the test, it was negative. I had let myself hope. I finished my appointment crying silently until I got in my car, that's when I started crying so hard I was screaming; Screaming at God, screaming at myself. I was crying and screaming so hard that I could hardly breathe. 
In the middle of all that, being totally broken, again… I cried out to God. Those desperate cries started to form into a song…

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I know it's been a long time since I posted anything, I am hoping to start post more regularly again...

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